I want to take a pause. Just a pause on all of life’s wonders. Because life, even with all of its unpleasant surprises is just that, absolutely wonderful. I have been beyond blessed with time with my family and wonderful friends. My husband and I have been blessed with jobs that keep us busy and with a roof over our heads. I absolutely love my home and my dogs and my daily life. And like many of us wish the only thing I lack is more time. Time to devote to my marriage, time to devote to this blog and to my hobbies. Time to adventure and explore. Time to waste. Time to spend with my family, who are so precious to me.
Time is so finite, and once it passes, it’s gone. No other time in my life have I experience the finite of time than the past few months. I lost my grandfather. He was the man with a smile plastered to his face. The man with the boisterous voice who commanded the attention of whichever room he was in. Hospitality was a gift of his and came naturally. You’d never be in his home without a drink in your hand and before that one was empty he’d offer another. He was a natural chef and made the BEST Caldo de Res.
I’ll miss those days, but I am so grateful to have had them. My childhood is full of memories with my grandparents. Making tortillas with my grandmother, watching TV with my grandfather, going on trips to Six Flags and SeaWorld. To be honest I haven’t fully accepted the fact that he’s gone. I can still picture his face and hear his voice. The holidays are here and I still expect him to be there. It’ll be hard not having him, and seeing my grandmother without him. But I know he’s out there somewhere, smiling down on us and keeping us safe. I know that death is just a part of life, the great equalizer, the one thing we all have to do. I know these things, but I still miss him. I know heaven became just a little brighter, and a little louder the day he passed. I know they’re lucky to have him, and so was I.
I don’t want to accept that my Grandpa is gone. I think about it and I push it away and the only time I am not sad is if I’m just not thinking about it. I don’t want to accept that I’ll never have a sweet kiss placed on my forehead from him again. I don’t want to accept the fact that I’ll never hear his voice again or his laugh. His loud, slightly too loud laugh that literally filled the room in the most loving and awkward way. My grandpa was hard of hearing for all of my life, and always spoke too loudly. It was just a thing, grandpa will have to talk loudly and you’ll have to talk loudly too him if you want him to hear you. I’ll never get to yell at him again in order for him to hear me.
I miss him, so much.
I don’t want to believe that I won’t see him this Thanksgiving or Christmas or my next birthday. He would make it to every event we had and great us with open arms whenever we were over. Which wasn’t enough. I just want more time with him. It’s such a simple request and so generic, but rings internally true. I just want more time with him. And that time will never come.
He is gone.
And he isn’t. His smile will live on in the wonderful pictures I have of him. His love will live on in our hearts. His devotion will live on with my grandmother.
You were taken from us too soon. Too quickly and too suddenly. I am so happy I got to whisper into your ear, “I love you.” I am so happy I was able to hold your hand while it was still warm. I am so happy that I was able to hold grandma while she cried. Thank you for treating me like a princess all these years. Thank you for dancing with me on my wedding day, I hope to dance with you in heaven one day.
I love you.
Your princess, forever and always,